Apologies
by faith-silverfire
Summary: After that night in "Bloodlines", Sara looks for Grissom to apologise to him. But, as always in the up and down sort-of-relationship, it doesn't make her feel much better. One-shot.


Disclaimer: Nothing's mine!

A/N: Just a one-shot that wouldn't let me rest until I had written it down. A little angsty something that could have happened just after "Bloodlines".

**Apologies**

Sara walked down the corridor, taking deep, calming breaths. Considering the fact that she hadn't actually been drunk the previous night, she sure felt awful. Her head was pounding horribly in time with her footsteps, her mouth felt as dry as sandpaper, and there was a deep, deep weariness inside her that she knew had nothing to do with alcohol and everything to do with the man that she had to talk to now.

"Sara! Hey – hey!"

The voice jolted the sick feeling in her stomach away for a scant second. Greg was running up behind her, an unusually insightful and considerate look on his face. He grinned lopsidedly, and Sara had to force a smile back, even while she screamed silently at him to leave.

"What's up, Greg?"

"Oh – Nothin'." He cocked his head, looking a little awkward. "It's just that... um... do you wanna go out for a bite during break? It's been a really tough time for all of us, and, well, how about it?"

Sara sighed, resisting the urge to rub her aching temples. She knew why Greg was doing this, but that didn't make her any more comfortable about it. Had the news of her little incident got around this fast? Greg was still looking at her expectantly in that sweet little way of his. She would feel bad about this afterwards.

"Listen, thanks, but... I'm kinda busy. Maybe some other time."

Greg nodded, looking extremely crestfallen. Well, Sara thought a little bitterly, she was right about this at least. She felt bad already, and even more so when the young potential-investigator walked away without another word. Shutting her eyes briefly, she turned around again.

And almost walked right into Grissom.

With a simultaneous, quickly swallowed exclamation, they all but jumped away from each other. Sara felt her heart quicken as if she were simply a silly teenager with a crush, but that always happened when he was around. Their eyes didn't meet, and Grissom, after giving Sara only a small half-smile, walked on past her. Sara paused, and then made up her mind. If she just let him walk away now, she definitely wouldn't have the courage to speak to him later.

"Grissom."

He stopped and turned slowly, eyebrows slightly raised. Her mouth feeling drier than ever, she allowed her fists to clench and unclench before speaking again.

"You got a second?"

Grissom nodded, raising his eyebrows. "Yeah."

Sara gave him a pointed look, and, a look of comprehension dawning in his face, he led the way back to his office. Following behind, Sara could have rolled her eyes if the leaden feeling in her stomach had not been getting heavier and heavier. Gil Grissom, always so quick on the uptake during investigations, was still clueless about things like this.

In the more private space of the office, Sara felt a little more comfortable.

"I needed to talk."

She folded her arms guardedly, still looking anywhere but at his eyes. God, did Grissom _like _having all these dead bugs around him all day? Four years working with him, and she still wasn't used to it. Bug-man indeed... Moments later Sara gave herself a little shake, aware that he was still looking at her, and that she hadn't yet elaborated.

"I – uh... just wanted to a – apologise to you. So, um, I'm sorry."

She let out her breath, not exactly relieved. It was strange, she had spent all day gearing herself up to do this, and then actually saying the words had taken only a few seconds. Grissom was shaking his head.

"You don't have to apologise."

"No, I do. I'm sorry, Grissom. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused. I –"

"Hey."

"I'm sorry, it's just that I –"

"Sara."

She broke off mid-sentence, and immediately hated herself for it. She was trying to distance herself from him, and still all it took was for him to say her name to shut her up. Almost cringing, Sara focused on his face at last. His shrewd blue eyes that could penetrate every corner of a crime scene and every inch of a suspect's body and mind looked right back at her.

"Sara. Listen to me. You don't have to apologise."

Fighting back the now physical pain in her chest, and the pain-filled howl rising up inside her, Sara tensed, hugging herself a little tighter, and looked down. She couldn't look at his face. She just couldn't.

"Thanks for helping me last night."

"It was nothing."

_Then why didn't you come inside?_

Sara blocked out that little voice inside her head, the one that always caused her to make a fool of herself in front of Grissom. She hadn't even asked him into her place last night, of course. She didn't know what would have happened if she had, and she didn't really want to think about it either. If there was one thing that life had taught her, it was to try and move on with things with as few regrets as possible. It was the hardest lesson that had to be learnt, really.

Grissom was still staring at her, and suddenly, she was staring too. Caught unawares in the stream of her own thoughts, Sara felt herself being drawn into those familiar eyes, the relentless pools of sky-blue that had attracted her to this man, fifteen years her senior, in the first place. They were standing barely three feet away from each other, and if either of them were to reach out an arm...

"Sara..." Grissom's voice was too soft, too gentle.

"Yeah?" she managed, just as quietly. Her voice wasn't quite steady.

He let out a breath, and it sounded loud to both of them. "Can you find Nick and give him this?"

Sara tore her eyes away at last, looking down and noticing for the first time the file in his hands. Abruptly, and for no good reason, she felt a stinging in her eyes. Taking the file from him silently, she opened the door and stepped out into the corridor, wincing at the brighter lights. Disappointment filled her along with a ridiculous sense of loss, and she chided herself. What had she been expecting from him? What had she ever expected from him?

"Sara."

Her head whipped back round, breath catching in her throat. Grissom was frowning a little, and he had put his hands in his jacket pockets uncomfortably. He seemed to be struggling with himself about something. Finally, he smiled. It lasted only for a second, but it softened his face considerably, and it was a genuine smile. She hadn't seen one of those in a long time.

"Take care of yourself."

Sara paused."Thanks."

She walked away from his office slowly, her fingers tightening about the file in her hands. The need to go into some isolated place and let the burning tears fall was getting stronger and stronger. God, Grissom was just so _blind. _Far from comforting her, his last words had formed another jagged rip in her heart. For four years now, it had been like this. Some little thing always happened to bring them closer together, and then a strong fear of _something_, on both parts, always drove them apart again. And every time it was to the unavoidable pain of both. She didn't want it to be like that forever, but did she even have a choice?

Sara had told him, what seemed like a million years ago, that one day he could be too late. But she knew that there would always be a shred of hope left inside her, and that a part of her would always be waiting for him.


End file.
